Co-parenting after divorce can feel like walking a tightrope. There’s a constant balancing act between what you think is best for your kids and what your ex believes. Naturally, disagreements are going to happen. You won’t always see eye to eye, and that’s okay. But one of the most important lessons I’ve learned through this process is knowing when to stop fighting to win an argument.
Early on, I used to approach disagreements with my ex as if they were battles I needed to win. I felt like if I gave in, I was somehow losing control or doing a disservice to my children. But over time, I realized something crucial: winning the argument wasn’t helping anyone—not me, not my kids, and certainly not my ex. In fact, it usually made things worse.
Ask Yourself: Is It Worth It?
When a disagreement arises, the first thing you need to ask yourself is: Is this something I feel strongly about, or can I let it go? Not every issue is worth turning into a full-blown conflict. Take a step back and really evaluate the situation. Is this decision going to have a long-term impact on your children’s well-being, or is it a matter of personal preference?
For example, maybe you and your ex disagree on bedtimes. You think 8:00 p.m. is best, while your ex allows the kids to stay up until 9:00 p.m. Is that one extra hour really going to negatively affect them? Sure, you may have valid reasons for wanting an earlier bedtime, but is this something you feel so strongly about that it’s worth turning into a fight? In most cases, the answer is probably no. In fact, it’s often better to let minor disagreements go, particularly if the alternative is unnecessary tension.
When you pick your battles wisely, you conserve your energy for the things that really matter, like advocating for your kids in ways that truly impact their lives.
The Reality of Winning
Here’s a hard truth—more often than not, you’re not going to “win” the argument. Divorce changes the dynamics of communication. You’re no longer in a relationship where compromise happens naturally through shared daily life. Now, you’re co-parents, operating from two different households with potentially very different values or approaches.
Winning an argument often doesn’t mean getting the other person to see your point of view—it usually means creating more frustration and dragging out the conflict. Even if you somehow convince your ex to go along with your perspective, it often leaves behind resentment that can surface in future disagreements. Ask yourself: is that worth it?
More than anything, consider what it feels like when an argument ends. Is the relief of being right more satisfying than the peace of having avoided unnecessary tension in the first place? In my experience, it rarely is. Moving on, keeping your composure, and maintaining a healthy environment for your kids is far more rewarding than any fleeting sense of victory.
Building a Unified Front for Your Kids
As a divorced parent, your relationship with your ex is no longer about you two—it’s about the kids. Even though you don’t live together anymore, you still have to function as a team when it comes to parenting. A unified front is crucial because your children are always watching how you interact. They notice the tension, the arguments, the back-and-forths. And whether you realize it or not, how you and your ex communicate sets an example for how they will handle conflict in their own lives.
When you consistently argue over trivial matters, your kids may feel like they’re caught in the middle, or worse, they may internalize that behavior and mirror it in their own relationships. It’s important to show them that while disagreements are normal, they don’t have to be destructive. By choosing peace, you demonstrate that it’s possible to handle conflict in a healthy, productive way.
Choosing Peace Over Petty Fights
Let’s face it—you’re no longer under the same roof, which means you don’t have to deal with each other’s quirks or attitudes on a daily basis anymore. That can actually be a relief! If your ex is being stubborn about something small, like what the kids eat for dinner or which movie they get to watch during their weekend, does it really matter? Probably not.
If you’re honest with yourself, there are many things that, while annoying in the moment, aren’t worth losing your peace over. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let go of the need to have things your way and simply go along with it. You’ll find that preserving your peace is far more valuable than winning a petty argument.
And I’m not suggesting that you become a pushover or compromise on things that matter. If the issue at hand involves something significant—like your child’s education, safety, or health—then by all means, stand your ground. But for those smaller matters, where the consequences are minimal, ask yourself: Is this really worth the fight? Nine times out of ten, the answer is no.
Long-Term Benefits of Letting Go
Letting go of the need to always be right doesn’t just benefit you in the short term; it has lasting effects on your co-parenting relationship. When you and your ex establish a pattern of mutual respect and the ability to agree to disagree, it paves the way for healthier interactions down the road. Instead of being in constant conflict, you begin to build a more cooperative dynamic that benefits everyone involved.
And most importantly, your kids will feel the difference. They’ll feel more secure, knowing that even though their parents aren’t together anymore, they can still work as a team. They’ll feel more at ease, knowing that the focus is on their happiness and well-being, not on who’s right or wrong in every disagreement.
In the end, what truly matters isn’t whether you win or lose an argument with your ex. What matters is creating a stable, loving environment for your children, one where they can grow and thrive without being caught in the crossfire of adult conflicts.
So the next time you find yourself on the verge of an argument, pause and ask yourself: Is this something I feel strongly about? If not, let it go. Your peace is worth far more than the temporary satisfaction of winning.